The answer is YES.
In her note-worthy book, Is it Love, or is it Addiction? – Brenda Schaffer, a licensed psychologist and certified addiction specialist has helped countless people find their way from the trials and confusion of addictive love to the fulfillment of whole and healthy relationships.
Through her clinical experience of addictive love she espouses that love addiction is a reliance on someone or something external to the self in an attempt to get unmet needs fulfilled, avoid fear or emotional pain, re-enact trauma, solve problems, or maintain balance.
So, how do I know if it’s Love or Addiction?
Do you recognize any of the following characteristics in yourself?
- over adaptation to what others want
- boundary problems
- fear of letting go
- attempting to ‘fix’ others
- giving to get
- repetitive bad feelings
- refusing or abusing commitment
- wanting and fearing closeness
- projection, personalizing, power plays
- wanting, wishing and waiting
And these?
~Ever have the feelings of “never having enough” or “not being enough?”
~Are your negative feelings overwhelming for an extended period of time when a person disapproves of you, moves away from you or intimidates you?
~Do your relationships have more drama than intimacy?
If you’ve answered Yes to any of the above, be kind to yourself. You may be in the throes of Love Addiction.
Ms. Schaffer espouses that love addiction is a form of passivity in that we do not directly resolve our own problems or ask for what we need, but attempt to collide with others so they will take care of us and thus take care of our problems OR we may take care of others at our own expense.
“The paradox is that addictive love is an attempt to gain control of our lives, and in doing so, we go out of control by giving personal power to someone or something other than ourselves.”
“This attempt, then results in unhealthy sex, dependency on others, or romantic illusions.”
The focus of this book is to foster an understanding of the roots of addictive love – what it is and is not, how to identify it, and how to get out of it.
It is for anyone wanting to improve important love relationships, whether they are with children, parents, friends, peers, siblings, partners, or lovers.
Chapter 10 includes a self-help method comprised of 7 basic steps that will help move you from addictive love to healthy love. The exercises are designed to help increase awareness and motivate action.
Many of us confuse longing and obsession with true love and elements of unhealthy dependency creep into even the best of mature love relationships. There is so much of life we cannot control; we cannot make someone love us. But much of life is in our hands, and what we do, whom we choose, and how we think will show measurable results.
Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love. But in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. ~unknown
May you find wisdom in this book. May it increase your awareness so you can begin to solve relationship problems with more compassion and with lasting effect. May you Love!
Warm Regards,
Gina McKee
Gina McKee is a yoga enthusiast, movie buff, and a firm believer in the MindBody connection. Her app, Chai Pro-Insight to go, is available from Amazon, ITunes and Google Play. She also has a private practice in O’Fallon, Il. specializing in counseling women and children of all ages.
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